I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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