i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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