i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
