I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When did angry sex become our thing?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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