woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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