so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
