Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
