my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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