she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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