They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
