the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
