i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
