We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
