i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
