Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
