I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
