It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
FUCK WHALES
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