I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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