Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize