I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
