she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We left the knife in your bed.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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