I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
