At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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