I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
