woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
