Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
