Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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