I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
