Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
there's paper in my vomit.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
