I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
