I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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