He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
