i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
