Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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