i was born a porn star she said
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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