Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
