i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
