so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
