I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
