I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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