I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
