I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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