Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
