theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
