maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
