I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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