I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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