bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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