every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
