So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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