I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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