hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
