when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
