My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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