I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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