my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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