I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize